Pound GOD DAMMIT!

Steven Hawking is so awesome I just want to give him a high five! Or a maybe a bro fist? I cant decide.

A Quaint Story of Harmless Sacrilege

        Since this is a blog of a traveler I thought it would be apt to include my tale of a trip to the Vatican.
My parents and I were on a week long trip to Rome and on Wednesdays the Pope holds a General Audience and blesses the crowd in St. Peter's Square. I woke up early Wednesday with a mischievous plan in my head that I had cracked a few weeks beforehand. I also had a side plan. My mom told me to dress up nice for Mr. Pope, I agreed only on the condition that I wear my AC/DC Highway to Hell t-shirt on as an undershirt. The logic of mine was that everything in the square will get "blessed" when the Pope blesses everybody and I really wanted a "blessed" Highway to Hell t-shirt as a souvenir. We arrive at eight in the morning for close seats to the Pope then wait three hours for the Pope to finally sit down after parading through the wide aisles in his Pope-mobile. He says a bunch of stuff in a lot of different languages for everybody and I'm blessed. While blessed I make it priority number one to find a bathroom in the Vatican. I enter an empty stall and proceed to become one of the few if not first of an unknown club by emptying myself of reproductive fluids.
This was not my first foreign country to make a point to masturbate in. The list so far includes:
The USA
England
Scotland
France
Germany
The Netherlands
Russia
Italy
The Vatican

The ones I missed because I was too small/born there then moved:
Canada
Guam

Oh and this also happens to be a complete list of all the countries this traveler has been to (Guam shouldn't really count because I don't even remember it).

I hate racists more than god hates fags.


I'm not really sure if I came up with this one.

*Friend gives Viagra as a Christmas present*

"Thanks, now I pop that boner I've always wanted."

Frankenfoot

          I don’t think stories about a local Greene county Bigfoot have any right to be in a book called Haunted Ohio. Paranormal animal sightings are more appropriate in a book called Scary Ohio or Ohio Myths. Given how out of place these stories are, the ones that are most believable out of the eight mini stories I read out of shear enjoyment are the Bigfoot stories, but there are more plausible explanations for Bigfoot that I subscribe to. For example, what if Frankenstein’s monster and/or recreation of Frankenstein’s work is still wondering the isolated parts of the world in a bear skin to protect himself from the cold. Bigfoot experts agree that Bigfoot eats berries; in the story Frankenstein’s monster ate berries to survive and he startled woodland settlers just like Bigfoot. If you will not agree that Mary Shelly was on to something take this possible explanation instead. In wooded areas where Bigfoot is spotted there is usually seclusion away from outside civilization so it is impossible for pranksters to always be the cause of all sightings as a lot of these eyewitness accounts are chance encounters with bigfoot in the middle of nowhere. What if there is an underground society or secret brotherhood across the North American continent of sexual deviants that derive pleasure from surviving alone in the woods in a Bigfoot sized gorilla suit for extended periods of time. Both of these explanations explain why there isn’t a fossil record of a separate evolutionary line of primates in North America. When both of these abominations perish all that is left is human bones. The former will simply look like the work of a madman playing out his sick Frankenstein fantasy. Or it could just be bears.

I love economic recessions. The public gets angrier and the waitresses get friendlier.