Losing your glasses is like losing your penis. It just shouldn't happen on a regular basis.

If germs were to form a country they would call themselves Germans.

There really should be a my little pony creepy pasta. any one got any ideas ill post mine later.

Zombie Power

         In pop culture Nikola Tesla is known for creating a generator that creates energy from the Earth’s electromagnetic field. He patented his invention but never told anyone how to make one of their own. He took his invention with him to his grave because he was terrified what horrible applications his new technology could be used for. In his later life Tesla might have read Frankenstein and subsequently mulled over the possibilities and roadblocks of bringing back the dead. One problem is that of energy and what the undead would need to produce motion scientifically. It then occurred to him, what if one was to place and connect a miniature and lightweight electromagnetic generator in a fresh dead body. The freshly reanimated corpse could shamble around for as long as its decaying legs would allow it. It is a shame that Tesla considered this extreme when taking the ax to his fledgling technology as miniature Tesla devices could have been used to power modern devices such as cell phones, harmless androids, cars, or even life saving devices such as pace makers. I sorry I am just assuming way too much about the great Serbian inventor. This hypothesis is solely based on the assumption that Nikola was a sane and good hearted person, but evidence refutes the former. What if his killing off of his life’s work was due to shame and guilt? What if Tesla read Frankenstein and gained inspiration and his creation is still roaming the dense forests of Colorado to this day, constantly being mistaken for as Bigfoot? 

A Tale of Two Brothers

The tale of vampires has been told and retold hundreds of times yet not one rendition has got it right in my skeptical opinion, not even Bram Stoker's lengthy tome on the matter. If the first tale can't get it right we shouldn't be surprised to find that its remakes are telling a false tale as well, especially when they can't even do Stoker's work justice. I will go so far as to say even history has gotten the wrong facts. Even so any modern attempt will get it all wrong, even this one. But I am optimistic that this stance on vampires will at least get the basics right.

In the early 1850's, in what is now Romania the locals have been spreading tales of blood suckers in response to strings of vicious attacks happening all along the countryside where the victim’s blood has been drained and the only blood is found on a pair of puncture wounds somewhere on their bodies. They also say a man hailing from the Netherlands who goes by the title Abraham van Helsing has been actively hunting these monsters. In a few years time he has become an urban legend who smites blood demons and those possessed by them with an arsenal of holy silver weapons which were bestowed upon him by heavenly forces so that he may carry out God's will. 

Outside of the local fiction Van Helsing blazes trails through villages of those who have been hit by strings of these strange murders, burning the bodies of the blood drained dead telling the townsfolk the unburned bodies will rise up as servants to the dark lord. Over the course of days he hunts the village for those who will kill the innocent as slaves to the blood demons according to Van Helsing. As his demon hunt progresses he tells the people what to look for, dirty skin, intense anger, and aversion to being out in the sun as affiliates of Satan or Dracula abhor the eternal holy light of the Lord.

Before making his demon hunting fame known and organizing a public cleansing of spirits by burning the bodies of those that have been claimed by the blood drainers which takes several days, Van Helsing goes out at night alone and rides several miles to find a lone traveler in the woods, knocks him out, binds him, gags him, burns two holes into his neck and stows him away in the space of one cubic yard in one of many suitcases on his traveling carriage. After earning the trust of the village and burning all the murdered bodies with the town leader's consent which destroys all practical evidence five days have passed and it will be five more days until Van Helsing finds for the town his emaciated captive at night for all the town to see. To prove to the town he is a demon Van Helsing has the dirty pleading captive tied to a post in the center of town facing the east while exposing the captive's demon scars on his neck to just as the sun rises. As the town hero does this he slips gunpowder into the victim's pocket and sets it on fire with a strike of a match with the speed and deftness of the hands of an expert magician. 

Before returning to Amsterdam to stockpile his wealth from his completed round of towns, the town parades the holy champion about the town and showers him with all the excess wealth that the town can bestow upon him. But being clever not to betray his visage of saintly modesty he accepts only a third of what is offered him as he is not in it solely for the wealth, the false adoration, or the thrill of murdering in plain view. The whole act is done for love of his older brother, his only remaining relative. Together they have continued a centuries old family tradition of monster hunting which hasn't been questioned by any member of the family due to a long line of mental instability due to genetic factors and conditioning done to their children by the parents. Van Helsing entered the business with an appreciation of vanity, pride, greed, and sadism. His brother, who plays the role of the roaming Dracula, has no interest in vanity, his notoriety, or even living long enough to turn feeble. Drake's motivation is the challenge of surviving alone, undetected in the dense forest and lust, taking someone away as his own and then tossing them off into the void as nothing more than a used tissue.

The attack on a town starts with a letter in Romanian from Drake in the countryside to his brother in Amsterdam telling him where he will be, where to meet him and what towns are perfect for eradicating demons and generating some income. By the time Van Helsing has received his brother's letter and arrived at the first designated town, Drake will have already passed on to another town safely. As risky as it seems Van Helsing meets up with Drake alone in the woods every other town to exchange hugs and make sure his point man Drake is well fed and has enough money for normal looking clothing, food, and board in towns that Drake does not target. The largest obstacle Van Helsing confronts is not only the risk of being seen meeting Drake but Drake himself. He must force Drake to accept clean clothes, fresh food, and money as Drake disdains assistance and Van Helsing is lucky if his brother accepts even the stalest of bread. But Van Helsing realized a long time ago Drake didn't appreciate the benefits of social contact or family, only it's hierarchy and how he wanted to be at the top of the pyramid of power. He earned his sense of power every week in the forest.

After Drake has scouted ahead and mailed the letter to his brother with what little money he takes from his victims, he vanishes into the woods towards the first town. He watches the settlement for a day or two to establish security, locate major gathering places, make a mental map of abandoned shacks, dark alleys, and take note of anyone who makes frequent trips outside of town. He's found someone. A milk maid, young, petite, weak, alone was up before sunrise to milk the cows. As soon as she had sat down and started milking a Bessie in the barn she was pinned noiselessly gasping for air. She was hit in the back with the full force of someone slamming on top of her and staying there crushing her lungs into place and went limp. She woke up under a river being beaten only catching glimpses of a white pendulum bashing down on her with the rhythm of train. When her attacker brought her head up by her hair like a rope she realized she was being raped this whole time. Her hair in a vice grip she was bending painfully backwards towards her attacker like a bow until her mouth was forced shut as her hair was set free. Craning forward as she was let go, she saw a stream blood flow downstream from her legs. She fell toward the water from fatigue and felt the riverbed jab into a pair of open wounds in her inner thigh that she was too frantic to notice beforehand. She lost consciousness before she could realize that she was bleeding out. 

Exhilarated, Drake flipped her body over on her back and proceeded to thump hard on the dead girl's chest. He continued until the river ran clear then threw her naked body over his shoulder and proceeded to dump her naked corpse behind the barn where they first became acquainted. The milkmaid was only the first of four women and three men to be abused in the doomed little settlement. Locals turned up dead every three to two days. The town went hysteric, church was full every Sunday and lasted twice as long, and every able bodied man was given watch duty. Word spread from town to town eventually hitting the newsstands in Amsterdam when it would finally be time for public hero Abraham van Helsing to do God's work once again.

My grandpa who has mobility problems fell over on the fell next to the toilet with a bad case of diarrhea.

In the chaos of trying to get him on the toilet I stepped barefoot in his poop on the floor not knowing what it was.

I have never had a better reason to take a shower in my entire life.

Pound GOD DAMMIT!

Steven Hawking is so awesome I just want to give him a high five! Or a maybe a bro fist? I cant decide.